The Ark Music Factory "Truth" video did NOT come out on Friday. Due to "technical issues," it was impossible to view until around midday on Saturday, March 26th. Which was pretty much perfect, if you go ahead and ask me.
Thank all the dread powers that spawned me, then, that Ark Music Factory's version of "the truth" is... well, on a scale of "absolutely true" to "utter bullshit", it's not "THE TRUTH" that Phil Hartman cautioned Marge Simpson about just before she sold the Murder House to Ned Flanders. It's more like "TEH TR000000ttth!!!!!11111!!!!!LOLZZZZZ!!!" So, while not a scam designed to yank the collective chains of the interwebs cognoscenti, Ark is also not quite on the up-and-up.
In the above clip, Ark "CEO" and bad rap cameo expert Patrice Wilson sits down with a nice young lady who either IS Cynthia Garcia (from the Ark Launch Party Video) or was simply grown in an adjacent cloning vat. She proceeds to lob a series of softballs to Patrice with such tenderness and care that one might almost suspect that she's been paid to pretend that she's an actual reporter with, y'know. Objectivity. And stuff.
Despite his interviewer having the velvet touch of a dandy fop, Patrice seems ever so slightly evasive. The vague quality of his responses leads me to speculate as to what EXACTLY it is he's not telling us.
Folks, I've been lied to by a pretty large cross-section of society: teachers, landlords, cops, club promoters, thugs, criminals, hobos, drug people, musicians, politicians, bosses, girlfriends, and even little old ladies who want a refund for beef knuckles that they left on their kitchen counters overnight. I have also dished out my fair share of half-truths, evasions, and flat-out fictions. So I know from bullshit. What follows is a transcript of the Patrice Wilson interview, along with my de-bullshitted translation.
Everyone wants to know: Who are you?
That’s a very good question. My name is Patrice Wilson. I’m actually the CEO and the founder of Ark Music Factory. I’m an artist myself. I am from Europe, my dad’s from Africa, and I moved here a couple of years ago. I used to sing back in Eastern Europe and I used to be pretty big but I said, “Hey, I have to go to the United States and start making music, to let people know what clean, good music is”, and ever since coming here I started Ark Music Factory and Productions.
The whole goal is to bring people together and show young people that, hey we can make great music and keep it clean; keep it clean and safe and have fun. You know? And that’s who I am, I’m the guy behind Ark. I’m the face of Ark Music Factory, Patrice Wilson.
Translation: That's the question I paid you to ask. I'm a two-bit hustler and con man who learned how to use Protools. The Russian Mafia got one of my songs on the charts, but when I didn't pay them they threatened to cut my feet off, so I came here and started Ark Music Factory. The goal is to rake in fat piles of cash from gullible stage moms while binding my clients in byzantine contracts that will get me ninety percent of any royalties they should be lucky enough to earn. And have fun. That's who I am. The (fat) face of Ark Music Factory, Patrice Wilson.
What is Ark Music Factory?
Well, AMF is a platform to reach out to every known artist out there, to musicians who have a passion for music, who want to reach out to the world and show, hey, I ‘m doing what I’m doing…it just brings all the artists together, it gives them that hope, that future; be yourself and you’re welcomed to AMF.
Trans: It's a scam. And also a cult. Sort of a scam/cult. With autotune. An autotune scam/cult with just the tiniest hint of pedophilia.
It’s been posted online that you charge for your services. Could you elaborate for us where you stand on these comments and posts that say what you’re doing is wrong and that you’re exploiting kids?
Yes, you know, in fact, hey, I read a couple of articles about Patrice/Ark Music exploiting parents, you know? Large amounts of money: 20k, 30k for a project… You know, I’ll put it this way, what we do and the amount of work put into all these artists that you guys watch on television … is very amazing. Because we provide that platform, we give that music video, we give that song, we give that photo shoot, that image consultant, everything.
How much do we charge? Number one, we don’t charge our artists. If we are to charge an artist, it could range from $2,000 to $4,000. Is that a bad deal? 2k or 4k and you get everything? Hey, you even get lunch!
Look at Rebecca Black, she’s basically a viral star, and she’s appearing on different TV shows. That’s a success right there.
Trans: I'll put it this way, we charge for our services. We green-screen in just enough glittery crap to convince the marks that they're getting their money's worth, when really we're just hiring some non-union child actors to fart around in front of some CGI cars and butterflies. Number one, we don't charge our artists. We charge and EXPLOIT our artists. And their parents. Is it a bad deal? Not for me! For my gullible clients, yes, it's a savage and brutal scam. Look at Rebecca Black... she's RIGHT OVER THERE, BEHIND YOU. I'll just be shredding these receipts while you take a look.
What would you say to those that think that what you’re doing is detrimental to pop music and music in general?
Listen to a song on the radio, okay? Listen to any artist out there on the radio and try to compare it with the song “Friday”? A pop song is supposed to be really really catchy. Now, regardless of the lyrics or how easy the lyrics might be, a part can stick in your head and you get out of the shower, and you’re singing “Friday, Friday!” It’s stuck in your head and thats the whole purpose, that’s the goal of creating tunes and songs like that.
Because we want it to be catchy, we want people to keep on singing along and they say, I cannot get this out of my head!” That’s the whole goal. But there’s no difference whatsoever to the songs you hear on the radio today and the song that we make.
In fact, people say, “Autotune, autotune is so much on the artist!” You know what? I guarantee you – or I actually dare you guys to try to compare a song that has so much autotune….versus one of the artists that we work with. It’s actually less autotune we use. But to get that radio sound, we have to go ahead and create that autotune to balance it out.
Trans: Who cares? Autotune, shmautotune. These bitches can't sing. Plus, it sounds expensive. The rubes probably think it's some kind of R&B Transformer or something.
What’s in the future for Ark Music Factory?
Very exciting, lots of work, and I’ll just say taking it day by day as well. Ark Music Factory, number one, and why we got here in the
first place is finding talent, going out there, auditioning people. Back in the day, we were not privileged to go to other cities and states because we had to stay in California.
Today, we are privileged. We are going to be going out to different places, finding talent and just bringing them to the Ark community. We’re going to keep working with people, we’re going to be holding massive auditions. We’re going to be looking for the next viral star. So lots of great things to come.
It’s actually a surprise. If you guys stay tuned, then you’re gonna see, hey, wow, Ark just sprung out from a box. I guarantee you there’s going to be something next week and the week after and the week after. And my promise to the people of America and the world, we’re not gonna let you guys down. You’re going to be intrigued and surprised. Happy!
Anybody – young, old, it doesn’t matter – anyone basically who has a dream out there. I want you to go ahead and
don’t let anyone tell you you can’t accomplish your dream and that’s a fact, that’s why we’re here today. We’ve had a bunch of “no's” it’s not gonna work, you can’t do it.”
But the fact about it is if you are dedicated and you hold on and you don’t listen to what people tell you, your dreams will be accomplished. And this goes for any singer, any actor, modeling, whatever you want to do. You gotta put your heart to it, and that’s why I’m here today.
You’re gonna have a lot of negative comments and people saying you can’t do it and you’re bad and this and that, but you know what? Put your feet down keep your head up and I guarantee you, you will accomplish your dream. This is a message from Ark Music Factory, founder, CEO Patrice.
Trans: I will be taking a duffel bag of money and fleeing to Peru. The Mafia wants to cut my feet off.
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