Know this, gentle reader: I am not the sort of man who backs down from a challenge. I AM the sort of man who ignores a challenge for months at a time, hoping idly that the challenge will find something better to do and leave me alone. Sadly, when the challenge is self-imposed, this becomes the sort of hope usually classified as "false". And so here we are, and here I am... wading through volume 2 of the Now That's What I Call Music series, American Version.I need to quicken my pace, clearly. Since I managed to limp through Volume 1, THREE MORE VOLUMES have been released. This is worse than fighting a goddamn Hydra, and only speed and diligence will allow me to best it. That, and this delightful stout I'm tucking into. TO BATTLE!
Volume 2 of the Now series was released in July of 1999, and it has Jay-Z on it, which briefly raised my spirits until I realized the song in question is that stupid one where he samples a tune from "Annie". Crap.
"...Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears is first out of the gate. Piece of cake. This song is very much the definition of innocuous, and I'm two-thirds of the way through it without even noticing. For such an era-defining track, there really is not much going on. In a sense, that makes this a perfect chart-stormer: MONSTER chorus surrounded by barely-there verses that glide back into THE PART so smoothly that the whole song becomes one all-devouring chorus. The only real misstep is the bridge, which is only included because back in the last millennium people still thought songs actually NEEDED bridges (ignorant savages). This chorus is such a killer that it easily rallies from the loss of momentum, and we are carried swiftly to the finish by those drums! That Piano part! The slap bass and guitar noodles? Less so.
"You Get What You Give" by New Radicals is only a half-remembered shrug to me, so... ye gods, this video offends me on pretty much all aesthetic levels (it does have a basset hound in it for two seconds, which helps). I will be closing my eyes for this one, as the late-90's sportswear vibe is really tearing up my sight-holes. Ah, much better. Now I can pretend that this is just a shitty Dexy's Midnight Runner's b-side. Until the "ironic" guitar solo rudely jolts me out of my reverie, of course. And the List Part at the end? Where dude talks about "Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson" and then threatens to "kick your ass in"? A likely story, cupcake.
And now here's Robbie Williams demanding, "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough" in "Millennium". Why do all these creeps want to fight me? I mean, the feeling's mutual, but my knuckles are all swollen from pounding on that wimp from New Radicals. Anyway, Robbie Williams may be the smuggest of all Smug Pricks, but this song is fine, I guess. It's got the James Bond sample, and the Grandmaster Flash sample, and it's sort of like if the Britney Song was combined with the New Radicals. Swooping, endless chorus meets vaguely uplifting "we are the future" lyrics. And it doesn't shit the bed during the last third of the song, so it's better than 'nem Radicals.Oh. Fuck. Me. It's fucking Semisonic. Which means it's "Closing Time," obviously. What, you thought it would be their OTHER hit? Is it going to be a theme with the Now comps that the songs with guitars on them are going to suck WAY WORSE than the lightweight R&B jams? That's too bad, I LIKE guitars. Anyway, this song has the sort of dumb lyrics that can only be achieved by someone who thinks they're being WICKED PROFOUND and it has two contagiously catchy parts that go OVER AND OVER AND OVER until you want to die, which is why it was a hit, I guess. I'm gonna be humming this tomorrow, aren't I? BOO.
Christ, how creepy is Bono in the "Sweetest Thing" video? Through most of these songs, I've been consoling myself by saying, "Well, at least I understand why this was a hit." I cannot say this about "Sweetest Thing". There are probably people out there who... I dunno, like, this is THEIR SONG and they danced to it at their wedding and it reminds them of their first date and... it's just BARELY THERE. I don't like U2 (shock!), but they have some LEGITIMATE HITS in their catalog. This pile of ballad-y nothin' is NOT one of 'em.
This is very rough going. This volume, so far, is much worse than its predecessor. And with Sheryl Crow on deck, it is not going to get much better. I can't remember how "My Favorite Mistake" goes, and when the guitar starts, I think I... no, I don't remember this song. Oh, okay, I've probably heard this chorus before. This is another song with a superfluous bridge. Dropping that nonsense would cut this song down to a much more manageable three minutes, but OH NO, Sheryl is a SERIOUS MUSICIAN and serious musicians put bridges in their songs. Hint: this is why Lance Armstrong left you. Dude HATES bridges.
This is how low I'm sinking. I am actually glad to hear "Praise You" by Fatboy Slim. At least there are some interesting blips and bloops and glitchy parts, and a typically masterful command of breaks. It's also a smarmy piece of faux-sentimental trash, but I am getting desperate. Also, in this video Spike Jonze pretty much invents the modern hipster, and so should probably be beaten about the head and neck.
Hey, it's Garbage! Great! Or, rather, okay. "I Think I'm Paranoid" has a pretty decent verse, actually. Of course, Garbage screw it up by being all "eclectic" instead of rocking, so we get satisfying guitar crunch on the verse but shimmery atmospherics on the chorus and a bridge that is... hip-hop inspired? Shudders. Also, much is made of Shirley Manson's beauty, but it would take a prettier face than hers to make up for having to stare at Butch Vig one-fourth of the time. Speaking of eclectic, it's Cake! "Never There" is the sort of insincere clever-dick crap these guys always churn out, sort of a highbrow Fastball, if you will (I WILL NOT). Still, at least it sounds different than most of this shit. Come to think of it, that's why these jerks got to have a career. Whatever. At least it's short.
Oh, I get it. "Because Of You" by 98 Degrees is here to make me appreciate Cake. God, done. Can I skip this thing and just listen to "Never There" again? NO! I have a MISSION. I swore an OATH (there is still one minute left of this song and it is DOING NOTHING. Can I please get a superfluous bridge?). Pride, it seems, goeth before a fall. Anyway, this is some bleeps n' bloops over an acoustic guitar and some high-school wrestlers on their way to regionals are apologizing to their girlfriends. NEXT.
Alright! A Spice Girls song! Oh, no! It's one of the ballads that I can never remember! "Goodbye" is one of their post-Ginger singles, which is probably why I am having trouble staying awake. Get this, you limey bastards: No Gerri Halliwell equals me not giving a SINGLE SHIT about the Spice Girls. Also, I call bullshit on Sporty's makeover in this video. Apparently there was some music in this abomination, but you could have fooled me.
Blackstreet? With a list of featured artists as long as my arm (Mya, Mase, and someone named, delightfully, "Blinky Blink")? Off the RUGRATS SOUNDTRACK? Oh, yes please. This song is INSANE, and I could not be happier to see it. There's this plinky-plonk tropical beat, the lyrics (crooned beautifully, of course) seem to advocate sexual exploration between children, and Mase and Blinky Blink ACTUALLY RAP ABOUT THE CHARACTERS FROM RUGRATS. I listened to this song twice, and it is hands down the best thing I've heard all night. Oh, yeah, it's called "Take Me There".
Wait, R. Kelly is up next? And it's a story song called "When A Woman's Fed Up"? This is a regular embarrassment of riches! While not as endearingly batshit as some of his other efforts, this does have: ultra-smooth soul singing, flamenco guitars, a scat-sung bridge (THAT is how you do it!), cinematic interludes, and drums that get CRAZY LOUD right at the end. Excellent.
Everclear's "Father of Mine" comes on, and the part about being a "poor white boy in a black neighborhood" is a jarring choice to stick after Blackstreet and R. Kelly, but I am not hating this as much as I expected to. Yeah, the string section is a bit much, but the guitars are doing their job adequately, and the drumming on this is pretty great so it's probably being beefed up by a sequencer or something. Fucking major labels. Alright, Everclear. That could have been worse. Now go away.
OH, GOD. Sublime. I was fairly confident that I could make it through the rest of my life without hearing these creeps again. "What I Got" is up, and you know the story. Fake reggae-rap-rock from dudes who manage to be hippies, junkies, jocks, AND fat-asses while also being smug, arrogant white reggae assholes. "I've got a dalmatian/I can still get high," sings Creep #1. Heh. Not anymore, you can't. What? Too soon? I am two minutes into "I'll Never Break Your Heart" by Backstreet Boys and I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out which one is Justin Timberlake. Okay, typing that sentence and this one has got me three-and-a-half minutes in. Now I'm staring at Sublime up there and hoping I don't throw up. Is this over yet? Fuck, thirty seconds left and somebody just did some scat singing. Oh, thank god it's over!!!
Hello, Jay-Z. "Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem)" is way better than I remembered. The hook is still totally annoying and gimmick-y, but it's a lot less prevalent than I thought, and goddamn can dude rap. And the beat in the verses is actually super hot. Also, that ridiculous hook is actually a super ballsy move, so even though it's a flop... man, this thing is really good. And not just 'cos it's up against such lame competition.
The Blackstreet song is still better, though.
Now 2 ends with "Everybody Is Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" by Baz Luhrmann. You know, the one where it's all dude giving advice to young people over some anonymous-ass beats and some choral voices and harmonicas and bongos and shit and the dude isn't even William S. Burroughs? And it's five minutes long and shit? And now the asshole who "wrote" this song is gonna make The Great Gatsby and DiCaprio's gonna be fucking Gatsby?
Man, fuck that fucking song.
