Clean and Safe And Have Fun

The Ark Music Factory "Truth" video did NOT come out on Friday.  Due to "technical issues," it was impossible to view until around midday on Saturday, March 26th.  Which was pretty much perfect, if you go ahead and ask me.

I had been worried, to be perfectly honest, that Ark Music Factory would turn out to be a colossal joke.  If Patrice Wilson had peeled off his face like a James Bond Villain to reveal a smugly grinning Eric Wareheim, I would have been gravely disappointed.  Not exactly surprised, mind, but disappointed.


Thank all the dread powers that spawned me, then, that Ark Music Factory's version of "the truth" is... well, on a scale of "absolutely true" to "utter bullshit", it's not "THE TRUTH" that Phil Hartman cautioned Marge Simpson about just before she sold the Murder House to Ned Flanders.  It's more like "TEH TR000000ttth!!!!!11111!!!!!LOLZZZZZ!!!"  So, while not a scam designed to yank the collective chains of the interwebs cognoscenti, Ark is also not quite on the up-and-up.


In the above clip, Ark "CEO" and bad rap cameo expert Patrice Wilson sits down with a nice young lady who either IS Cynthia Garcia (from the Ark Launch Party Video) or was simply grown in an adjacent cloning vat.  She proceeds to lob a series of softballs to Patrice with such tenderness and care that one might almost suspect that she's been paid to pretend that she's an actual reporter with, y'know.  Objectivity.  And stuff.  


Despite his interviewer having the velvet touch of a dandy fop, Patrice seems ever so slightly evasive.  The vague quality of his responses leads me to speculate as to what EXACTLY it is he's not telling us.


Folks, I've been lied to by a pretty large cross-section of society:  teachers, landlords, cops, club promoters, thugs, criminals, hobos, drug people, musicians, politicians, bosses, girlfriends, and even little old ladies who want a refund for beef knuckles that they left on their kitchen counters overnight.  I have also dished out my fair share of half-truths, evasions, and flat-out fictions.  So I know from bullshit.  What follows is a transcript of the Patrice Wilson interview, along with my de-bullshitted translation.



Everyone wants to know: Who are you?
That’s a very good question. My name is Patrice Wilson. I’m actually the CEO and the founder of Ark Music Factory. I’m an artist myself. I am from Europe, my dad’s from Africa, and I moved here a couple of years ago. I used to sing back in Eastern Europe and I used to be pretty big but I said, “Hey, I have to go to the United States and start making music, to let people know what clean, good music is”, and ever since coming here I started Ark Music Factory and Productions.
The whole goal is to bring people together and show young people that, hey we can make great music and keep it clean; keep it clean and safe and have fun. You know? And that’s who I am, I’m the guy behind Ark. I’m the face of Ark Music Factory, Patrice Wilson.

Translation:  That's the question I paid you to ask.  I'm a two-bit hustler and con man who learned how to use Protools.  The Russian Mafia got one of my songs on the charts, but when I didn't pay them they threatened to cut my feet off, so I came here and started Ark Music Factory.  The goal is to rake in fat piles of cash from gullible stage moms while binding my clients in byzantine contracts that will get me ninety percent of any royalties they should be lucky enough to earn.  And have fun.  That's who I am.  The (fat) face of Ark Music Factory, Patrice Wilson.
 

What is Ark Music Factory?
Well, AMF is a platform to reach out to every known artist out there, to musicians who have a passion for music, who want to reach out to the world and show, hey, I ‘m doing what I’m doing…it just brings all the artists together, it gives them that hope, that future; be yourself and you’re welcomed to AMF.

Trans:  It's a scam.  And also a cult.  Sort of a scam/cult.  With autotune.  An autotune scam/cult with just the tiniest hint of pedophilia.
 
It’s been posted online that you charge for your services. Could you elaborate for us where you stand on these comments and posts that say what you’re doing is wrong and that you’re exploiting kids?
Yes, you know, in fact, hey, I read a couple of articles about Patrice/Ark Music exploiting parents, you know? Large amounts of money: 20k, 30k for a project… You know, I’ll put it this way, what we do and the amount of work put into all these artists that you guys watch on television … is very amazing. Because we provide that platform, we give that music video, we give that song, we give that photo shoot, that image consultant, everything.
How much do we charge? Number one, we don’t charge our artists. If we are to charge an artist, it could range from $2,000 to $4,000. Is that a bad deal? 2k or 4k and you get everything? Hey, you even get lunch!
Look at Rebecca Black, she’s basically a viral star, and she’s appearing on different TV shows. That’s a success right there.

Trans:  I'll put it this way, we charge for our services.  We green-screen in just enough glittery crap to convince the marks that they're getting their money's worth, when really we're just hiring some non-union child actors to fart around in front of some CGI cars and butterflies.  Number one, we don't charge our artists.  We charge and EXPLOIT our artists.  And their parents.  Is it a bad deal?  Not for me!  For my gullible clients, yes, it's a savage and brutal scam.  Look at Rebecca Black... she's RIGHT OVER THERE, BEHIND YOU.  I'll just be shredding these receipts while you take a look.
 
What would you say to those that think that what you’re doing is detrimental to pop music and music in general?
Listen to a song on the radio, okay? Listen to any artist out there on the radio and try to compare it with the song “Friday”? A pop song is supposed to be really really catchy. Now, regardless of the lyrics or how easy the lyrics might be, a part can stick in your head and you get out of the shower, and you’re singing “Friday, Friday!” It’s stuck in your head and thats the whole purpose, that’s the goal of creating tunes and songs like that.
Because we want it to be catchy, we want people to keep on singing along and they say, I cannot get this out of my head!” That’s the whole goal. But there’s no difference whatsoever to the songs you hear on the radio today and the song that we make.
In fact, people say, “Autotune, autotune is so much on the artist!” You know what? I guarantee you – or I actually dare you guys to try to compare a song that has so much autotune….versus one of the artists that we work with. It’s actually less autotune we use. But to get that radio sound, we have to go ahead and create that autotune to balance it out. 

Trans:  Who cares?  Autotune, shmautotune.  These bitches can't sing.  Plus, it sounds expensive.  The rubes probably think it's some kind of R&B Transformer or something.
 
What’s in the future for Ark Music Factory?
Very exciting, lots of work, and I’ll just say taking it day by day as well. Ark Music Factory, number one, and why we got here in the
first place is finding talent, going out there, auditioning people. Back in the day, we were not privileged to go to other cities and states because we had to stay in California.
Today, we are privileged. We are going to be going out to different places, finding talent and just bringing them to the Ark community. We’re going to keep working with people, we’re going to be holding massive auditions. We’re going to be looking for the next viral star. So lots of great things to come.
It’s actually a surprise. If you guys stay tuned, then you’re gonna see, hey, wow, Ark just sprung out from a box. I guarantee you there’s going to be something next week and the week after and the week after. And my promise to the people of America and the world, we’re not gonna let you guys down. You’re going to be intrigued and surprised. Happy!
Anybody – young, old, it doesn’t matter – anyone basically who has a dream out there. I want you to go ahead and
don’t let anyone tell you you can’t accomplish your dream and that’s a fact, that’s why we’re here today. We’ve had a bunch of “no's” it’s not gonna work, you can’t do it.”
But the fact about it is if you are dedicated and you hold on and you don’t listen to what people tell you, your dreams will be accomplished. And this goes for any singer, any actor, modeling, whatever you want to do. You gotta put your heart to it, and that’s why I’m here today.
You’re gonna have a lot of negative comments and people saying you can’t do it and you’re bad and this and that, but you know what? Put your feet down keep your head up and I guarantee you, you will accomplish your dream. This is a message from Ark Music Factory, founder, CEO Patrice.

Trans:  I will be taking a duffel bag of money and fleeing to Peru.  The Mafia wants to cut my feet off.

The Inability of the Human Mind to Correlate All Its Contents

And it did come to pass that we, as a nation, gathered around poor Rebecca Black and tore at her flesh like a pack of wolves...

And for what, exactly?  For grasping furtively at the brass ring?  For not Knowing Her Place?  Because, let's be honest... her face, it is not a Pop Star's Face.  Her voice?  Not a Pop Star's Voice.

One of the main functions of Pop Music is to cement the identity of the listener.  Declaring oneself a Katy Perry fan (f'r instance) indicates an endorsement not just of an aesthetic but of a particular set of signifiers.  Beauty.  Youth.  The barest hint of rebellion.  A wanton and yet curiously virginal sexuality.  Taken together, these things constitute a mask that slides invisibly over the face of the Pop Fan.  It is a mask that resembles the presented image of the Pop Star, and this is where Rebecca Black fails, earning the enmity of her would-be fans.  Her mask is flawed because it too closely resembles her True Face, and thus the True Face of her vicious, mocking audience.


The "Friday" video was made by a company called Ark Music Factory.  It would seem that their business model closely resembles the "Song Poem" producers of the 60's and 70's.  Ark accepts a substantial fee (rumored to be $2000) in exchange for writing a pop song (although Ark Artists such as the amazing 11-year-old CJ Fam claim to have written their own songs) and creating a semi-slick video for said song.  They also feature the artist in Ark Showcases (there's been at least one, with footage to prove it) that seem to promote their stars to the other stars' parents and siblings.  All of their artists and videos are SPECTACULAR.  All of their artists and videos are... wrong.


The Ark aesthetic involves TONS of autotune, which comes in handy when crowbarring a less-than-stellar singer into a vocally demanding role (witness the differences between Alana Lee's live clip in the Ark Showcase with this pristine video version).  The backing music is a dense  mush of dance beats, electronic noise, and overblown guitars (Alana Lee's "Butterflies" is a great example of the "Massive Guitars mixed so low as to be almost subliminal" quality that these cats seem to go in for) that allows no space for contemplation... and yet, unfortunately for the featured artists, the lyrics shine through with a brilliant and shocking clarity.


This is unfortunate because Your Ark Team write some of the most epically insipid lyrics in the history of human expression.  "You keep on tryin', texting me texting me with those smiley faces."  "You had your chance, and you blew it blew it blew it, I gave you one more time to take me take me take me take me."  This is perhaps the main tragedy of the Ark Music Factory.  While the clients are perhaps not the flawless beauties (and there ARE a couple of male Ark Music clients, if you were wondering) and vocal titans pop fans are expecting, the vapid lyrics are the most glaring difference between Ark Music and mainstream Pop.  Not that mainstream Pop music is not vapid... it is vapid in a DIFFERENT WAY.  Much like the Russian Exchange Student who is mocked for asking if "anyone wants to make party", Ark's clients are derided not for their actual meaning (the only significant difference between Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" and Rebecca Black's "Friday" is a bad girl/good girl dichotomy) but their inherent awkwardness.  Again, the Pop Rejection of these artists is not due to their actual aesthetic qualitities, but instead the subtle flaws that brand them as outsiders.


For listeners with a particular sort of brain, this stuff is much more compelling than its platinum-selling counterparts.  I find myself fascinated by the very vulnerability that signals the Media Legions to savage these poor artists.  If we are to have vapid Pop Music, is it not preferable to have it actually speak to the awkward and inchoate nature of the teenage experience than a glossy, scripted version of the same?  And yet, it is this very awkwardness that alienates the mainstream Pop fan.  Ark's roster of artists ATTEMPT to convey the signifiers of Pop, but they GET THEM WRONG.  Thus, they are attacked, picked apart for their own flaws (less than perfect bodies and faces, strained or tuneless vocal performances) and the flaws of their would-be mentors (overly trite lyrics, dated production techniques).  Taken as a whole, the Ark Music Artists are clearly OTHER, and are bullied and shamed as such.


At the top of the page are the men in charge of Ark.  Their names are Patrice Wilson and Clarence Jey.  Patrice is the (fucking AWFUL) rapper who shows up in 90% of the Ark videos.  Clarence has "completed exams" at the Trinity College of Music.  He wrote these songs. They claim that they will roll out a video this Friday that will reveal "The Truth About Ark".  I'm fairly confident that it won't include the "Five Days With Ark" video that they have pulled from all file-sharing sites.  I'm also sure it won't feature the "You Make Me Crazy" video by Darla Beaux in which teenage Darla is strapped into a straitjacket.  It seems Ark has (slowly) become aware of its ominous, cultish image and is making painful strides toward "hip" self-awareness.  Hopefully their own limitations help to keep them... if not "honest", then at least as honest as possible.


The Ark Music Factory story promises to be a deep and resonant episode in the history of American Pop.  Rather than succumbing to our love for schadenfreude, I hope we can learn and internalize the harsh truths that make up Ark's subtext.  

It's better than fucking Ke$ha.