My Vast Real Estate Holdings

There's something of a cottage industry in the world of publishing that churns out Complete Histories Of Punk Rock at a rate that would be alarming if Complete Histories Of Punk Rock were anything to get alarmed about.  They're not, but that doesn't stop people like me from getting worked up anyway.  I KNOW these things are just a way for dudes who sold heroin to Dee Dee Ramone to make a semi-honest living.  I don't have a problem with that.  Hell, if it keeps these guys off the streets, I'm all for it.  It could even be pointed out that nobody's forcing me to read the stupid things, but here I am, and there they are, and what does that mean for you, the reader?

It means I wanna talk about The Dictators.

See, all these Complete Histories of yadda yadda are alla time talking up The Dictators and how they're (ugh) SEMINAL.  And they're pretty much right on, but you kind of wouldn't know that from listening to any, y'know, actual Dictators albums.  The first one (Go Girl Crazy) is pretty decent, but it's hampered by the fact that Punk Rock sort of didn't exist yet, so it's basically a loud, dumb, awkward version of The Beach Boys (I know, right?) and Handsome Dick Manitoba (he's the one not getting felt up in the picture above)  hardly even sings on it, which is too bad 'cos despite an admittedly limited range, he's one of rock's great blah blah blah.  Oh, and the guitars sound sorta wimpy.  The second one (Manifest Destiny) has even wimpier production, which sinks a handful of great songs and a bunch more shitty ones.  I haven't listened to Blood Brothers yet.  If you wanna send me a copy, that would be great.  Then they broke up for twenty years, and made two more albums, which sound like they're made by a bad cartoon version of the actual band.


So why all the fuss?  Because of this.  It's called (deep breath) Dictators Live New York New York, but it was originally released as Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take A Joke, which was a much better thing to call a Dictators album.  The ROIR label guys put it out, so it was only on cassette.  You can order it from 'em on proper technology now, but I'mma keep giving it away until those dudes restock their Dictators shirts in non-fat sizes.  We're not all Handsome Dick-size, guys.


This is what the first two albums shoulda sounded like.  The songs are a notch or three faster than the album versions, the guitars are surprisingly awesome sounding for a live tape (recorded on two track?  Ye gods!), and Handsome Dick sings THE WHOLE THING.  He also contributes some hilarious stage banter (especially during the intro to "Two-Tub Man").  Geez, even the song titles are better than on the albums (the awkward "Young, Fast, Scientific" is rechristened "Rock 'n' Roll Made A Man Out Of Me", a title that kinda tells you everything you need to know about The Dictators and their Many Moods).  The songs selection is excellent, covering pretty much all the classic Dictators anthems, plus a charmingly graceless cover of a Velvet Underground tune (or not so charming.  My wife got pretty pissed when she heard it, but she takes The Velvets kinda seriously.  The Dictators don't take ANYTHING seriously.  Hence the problem).


So get it.  And put my copy of Blood Brothers in the mail.  And stick some White Castle in there too, while yr at it.  All this beer is making me hungry.